[in a desperate attempt to cheer myself up, I think this is just going to be a ~monthly inspiration post~ or something]

I think the ascetic power a film can have on you is massively underrated by most feature films recently which is where my love for Sofia Coppola comes from, aside from all the sensual filming the aesthetic to all the films is so ~comforting~ and beautiful and even in her new Marni for H&M advert this is still clear


Another part of The Virgin Suicides I absolutely love is the close ups in the girl's rooms and I'm just in love with the idea of angels and fairies (also in Romeo + Juliet!) and lace and beauty all collected together on a windowsill or shelf or whatever

I've been making more ~flower crowns~ this month too! After watching Lana Del Rey's Born To Die video a few hundred times I'm now waiting for spring to arrive as that means all sorts of daisies and tulips and lots more opportunity for flower-y wonderfulness!

[After seeing the new Stella McCartney S/S Ad Campaign I think I may need to invest in a flower press also]

I've been scouring Etsy too, trying to find beautiful pieces like this, sadly I haven't succeed  yet but I'm hoping by the end of the month to own a beautiful Lisbon-esque dress like this!

Forever being inspired by the dreamy perfection that is Audrey Horne and her wonderful dancing and sweater collection!

One final thing! I think some people under estimate the power cartoons have really, I mean I've only just re-watched Persepolis but it's such a good film and I highly recommend it as it's not only cute and amazing but it kind of make you think about cultural identity and real issues and it's nice. SECONDLY, whoever says Lisa Simpson [first ever feminist ICON] isn't totally rad and amazing is either wrong, or they're lying.

LOSING MY MIND

(I've been called crazy countless times this month and whether it's because I spend stupid amounts of money on magazines, or that I break down crying in lessons or because I spend lessons flicking through the Encyclopaedia of Cats during my free lessons i don't know, but what I do know is that I'm constantly feeling extremely unstable, emotionally I guess, which is quite tricky because now I have to actively manage my emotions so as not to seem like a total head case, crying in a train into my coat or something. I don't know, it's tricky, feeling so ~much~ but then at the same time feeling so little. I know this sounds horrible, and awful, and so pretentious or whatever. it does to me anyway. Everything I'm feeling is just dumb. But anyway, this month I'm changing, sometime this week I'm going to buy three disposable cameras and new batteries for my real camera and new film for my actual film camera and I'm not going to stop taking pictures and I'll buy a new journal too and write all the time and then if I can express everything I'm feeling it won't build up in my mind so much.
Something else that is bothering me I think is a constant feeling in inadequacy, all the time. I don't know, it's not even superficial wholly, I just feel so useless all the time and it's horrific, I can't seem to do anything properly any more and it's just so frustrating and it sits on my shoulder and it's just there all the time and I don't know what I can do any more.
Oh while writing this so many shuddering breath have been taken and my face has wrinkled in disgust at how appalling this is and I'm sorry. I don't think I'll ever be very good at this)

I haven't posted anything on here in a while and now I'm feeling super guilty about it and I'm trying to think of really interesting captivating things I have been doing instead but all that has happened has been

• MAJOR EMOTIONAL TRAUMA//HEARTBREAK 
• ~we don't need to deal with that right now though~
• I've spent too too much money on magazines
• I think over the past two weeks I've watched The Virgin Suicides about 12 times, which is now my new record uh
• FINDING A SPECIAL 'VELVET' SECTION ON THE AMERICAN APPAREL WEBSITE
• The prospect of getting a new job that gets me £££
• Oh and finally, probably most importantly, I'm finally getting all the SAT stuff sorted out which means that I'll take a practise test in May, then go and visit different colleges in the US in the summer, then in October I'll take the test for real then finally apply to Columbia and NYU[!!!!] 
• When I was sorting that out oh lord, there were tearz of JOY oh wow

I think later on I'll write something more substantial and frankly more interesting but at the moment I'm stuck in a Maths//Spanish work ~warp~ or whatever, meaning I have a lot of work to do, and no motivation to do it with. So hopefully by the end of today I'll have written two pages of Botellón stuff which means I'm half way through!! Oh and then I can make some more First Aid Kit mix tapes and make more glittery candles.

[I don't know if this is going to be too sad and introspective for me to bear so I might just tail off half way through]

I can't even write any more, and that's all I used to do and it's killing me because I can't ever articulate what I want without making myself sound silly and then I get scared and delete pages and pages of writing and the bottom of my bin is full of ash and burn bits of my journal and I hate this. I feel silly for being so attached to something that shouldn't be that important, there are much more productive ways to spend one's time but I can't find one to really engage me properly so I always end up scratching my thoughts out on paper in spiky writing and then crying a lot. I think a lot of things that used to be so important to me aren't any more and I feel like I only really have one or two priorities that I really want to excel at and I can't even do them without feeling stupid and useless.

I think being in love is as consuming a hobby as any that you could have, I don't know, my head kind of feels full all the time and it's so heavy and it's tinting all my thoughts and it's making me think about myself and it's making me more sad and I'm not sure why. It's nice but I just feel so heavy all the time and it makes me want to scream because I can't express it properly and I'm constantly in pain because you know when you just want to be with someone all the time because they make you feel more okay than you possibly thought you could ever feel and then you realise that you can't see them and you heart kind of cracks and I'm shattered and I don't want this to carry on. But being in love engulfs you, I want to romanticise all of this and make it sound less like word vomit but I don't think I really can, like I want to cry all the time but happy tears if that makes any sense and I feel so unbalanced and like I'm sort of teetering on the edge of falling into the same sort of state I was in, in may.

Looking back on things that aren't so important to me now though, I think that I've kind of changed in terms of what inspires me, I used to check style.com religiously every day after school and during break, during fashion week I'd take days off school and watch shows live in my bedroom under my duvet and I'd cover my walls with cut outs from the fashion week editions of ELLE and VOGUE and that just made me so so happy just because it was pure inspiration, taken straight from some creative wonders like McQueen and Galliano and i don't know, I kind of stopped that after I started using my tumblr blog, when i started i was still totally in love with the idea of runway fashion, and now I've just stopped. looking back now, Alexander McQueen, rest in peace, is passed and now, this sounds totally irrational and stupid, but I miss him, even for just four years, his collections were all I really though about come A/W or S/S season, seriously, I'd buy two copies of the magazines so I could keep one in perfect condition and then cut one up for my walls, and it was exactly the same for Galliano for Dior, I just had such a passion for it and now it's just gone.

I think I just miss being passionate about something, all I ever get passionate about is writing and I'm sure no one is really interested in this, I know I'm no good but I just love it and it's kind of heart breaking that I'm not good at the one thing I totally love.

I've just changed, in more ways that one I guess, two people who were major parts of my life have now gone, that's the most painful part I think, is that they can't come back, and that changed me I suppose, like I'm not hardened to it or anything, but I've gotten used to having heart ache all the time and I'm used to my head being full of messy, painful thoughts and now being sad inspires me so much more than being happy which I don't think is a good thing but I just hope that sometime this year or maybe in the next I'll find something that makes me passionate and hopefully I'll be good at it and then I might be happier.

1949

I have an independent capability of being extremely angry and pessimistic and dark and twisty a lot of the time, normally it's just directed at the 'world' in general, but mostly at myself. I hate the way i am most of the time and my head is full of thought and most of it is irrepressibly painful and horrible and what has happened this year has seemed so rushed and it feels like it should still be after May because everything that has panned out since then has been so empty and nothing-y. Days seem to be fading into one another now and it's painful thinking about what I'm missing and what I should be doing but I feel so empty and I can't seem to muster the energy to help myself. I think I'm quite resentful towards some people after what happened this year, there are probably two or three people that I can really talk to about it, with them understanding, and I have done, but they don't live near or we don't talk as much as we used to and that's kind of awful because that means I'm stuck inside my own head for weeks on end and then I get bitter because 'no one understands me' or whatever this is but it's just I'm so sad still and I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

This year though, this will be different, there will be nothing as awful or horrific and I will work harder in school and I won't be as twisty and dark and awful and I'll stop lying to myself and I'll try and fall in love with someone who could be considered more 'realistic' than Matthew Crawley, or maybe I won't fall in love and I'll be fine with that too, there seems to be a certain air of uncertainty about this year though. Maybe, mainly because everyone seems to be a bit on edge because there seems to be a million different theories saying how we're all going to fall into the bottomless abyss and be sentenced to eternal hell-fire. I will start this year however, by reading The Colour Purple and then watching Wuthering Heights and tomorrow I will use the rest of my Polaroid film I got and then I will maybe feel better.

May I say first of all, Merry Christmas!

I'm watching Heathers and crying and I've been contemplating this year and I think it's gotten worse ever since May for obvious reasons but I'd like to think next year will be better and without so much heartache and I'll make good life decisions. I'd like to be happier this year, that's kind of it. 

too much time spent on thoughts

Thinking about it, I'm only ever truly, utterly happy when I'm with people, most of the time, living in the country, the closest I normally am from my 'happy people' is about ten miles by car. So most of the time I'm in the middle of nowhere on my own. Mostly I'm quiet. I read a lot more now. I go for walks, I use my bike a lot. I think I've spent about 70% of my life's money on bus and train tickets to escape where I live and most nights I end up sitting on the roof of my house with my cat, a blanket and a cup of cold tea, looking down to hill into the countryside. I would make a long post about the 'perks' of living in a village, but thus far I can't see any. The things I do to combat the isolation is to just immerse myself in 'other-worldly' characters. There are women that I just wish I could be like, granted, the majority of them are fictional, but I feel a need to be inspired and to break the boredom that comes with living here. There are characters like Blair Waldorf, or Cecilia Lisbon, or Margot Tenenbaum that are just so perfect that you want to embody everything about them, and their inevitable flaws are the things you hold dearest to yourself, you can identify, I feel anyway, with a character to a greater extent if you have some sort of grasp on what really makes their identity. But mainly, and this is only in the past half a year or so, it's characters and people that you can just aspire to be like, and this is greatest when being like them seems ever so slightly more realistic, and the product of that would make you the happiest you could be. To have the passion that Catherine Earnshaw possesses would make me so intolerably happy, I would probably drive myself to death in just the same way as she did, I think it would be wonderful to feel that sort of passion for a person or a feeling, to having it consume your mind to the point it drives you to total distraction. I think I aspire more to be a tortured literary heroine than anything else, this may prove a problem if I ever have to start making serious and proper decisions about what I want to do if I can ever leave this village.