1949

I have an independent capability of being extremely angry and pessimistic and dark and twisty a lot of the time, normally it's just directed at the 'world' in general, but mostly at myself. I hate the way i am most of the time and my head is full of thought and most of it is irrepressibly painful and horrible and what has happened this year has seemed so rushed and it feels like it should still be after May because everything that has panned out since then has been so empty and nothing-y. Days seem to be fading into one another now and it's painful thinking about what I'm missing and what I should be doing but I feel so empty and I can't seem to muster the energy to help myself. I think I'm quite resentful towards some people after what happened this year, there are probably two or three people that I can really talk to about it, with them understanding, and I have done, but they don't live near or we don't talk as much as we used to and that's kind of awful because that means I'm stuck inside my own head for weeks on end and then I get bitter because 'no one understands me' or whatever this is but it's just I'm so sad still and I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

This year though, this will be different, there will be nothing as awful or horrific and I will work harder in school and I won't be as twisty and dark and awful and I'll stop lying to myself and I'll try and fall in love with someone who could be considered more 'realistic' than Matthew Crawley, or maybe I won't fall in love and I'll be fine with that too, there seems to be a certain air of uncertainty about this year though. Maybe, mainly because everyone seems to be a bit on edge because there seems to be a million different theories saying how we're all going to fall into the bottomless abyss and be sentenced to eternal hell-fire. I will start this year however, by reading The Colour Purple and then watching Wuthering Heights and tomorrow I will use the rest of my Polaroid film I got and then I will maybe feel better.