(I've been called crazy countless times this month and whether it's because I spend stupid amounts of money on magazines, or that I break down crying in lessons or because I spend lessons flicking through the Encyclopaedia of Cats during my free lessons i don't know, but what I do know is that I'm constantly feeling extremely unstable, emotionally I guess, which is quite tricky because now I have to actively manage my emotions so as not to seem like a total head case, crying in a train into my coat or something. I don't know, it's tricky, feeling so ~much~ but then at the same time feeling so little. I know this sounds horrible, and awful, and so pretentious or whatever. it does to me anyway. Everything I'm feeling is just dumb. But anyway, this month I'm changing, sometime this week I'm going to buy three disposable cameras and new batteries for my real camera and new film for my actual film camera and I'm not going to stop taking pictures and I'll buy a new journal too and write all the time and then if I can express everything I'm feeling it won't build up in my mind so much.
Something else that is bothering me I think is a constant feeling in inadequacy, all the time. I don't know, it's not even superficial wholly, I just feel so useless all the time and it's horrific, I can't seem to do anything properly any more and it's just so frustrating and it sits on my shoulder and it's just there all the time and I don't know what I can do any more.
Oh while writing this so many shuddering breath have been taken and my face has wrinkled in disgust at how appalling this is and I'm sorry. I don't think I'll ever be very good at this)
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