[I don't know if this is going to be too sad and introspective for me to bear so I might just tail off half way through]

I can't even write any more, and that's all I used to do and it's killing me because I can't ever articulate what I want without making myself sound silly and then I get scared and delete pages and pages of writing and the bottom of my bin is full of ash and burn bits of my journal and I hate this. I feel silly for being so attached to something that shouldn't be that important, there are much more productive ways to spend one's time but I can't find one to really engage me properly so I always end up scratching my thoughts out on paper in spiky writing and then crying a lot. I think a lot of things that used to be so important to me aren't any more and I feel like I only really have one or two priorities that I really want to excel at and I can't even do them without feeling stupid and useless.

I think being in love is as consuming a hobby as any that you could have, I don't know, my head kind of feels full all the time and it's so heavy and it's tinting all my thoughts and it's making me think about myself and it's making me more sad and I'm not sure why. It's nice but I just feel so heavy all the time and it makes me want to scream because I can't express it properly and I'm constantly in pain because you know when you just want to be with someone all the time because they make you feel more okay than you possibly thought you could ever feel and then you realise that you can't see them and you heart kind of cracks and I'm shattered and I don't want this to carry on. But being in love engulfs you, I want to romanticise all of this and make it sound less like word vomit but I don't think I really can, like I want to cry all the time but happy tears if that makes any sense and I feel so unbalanced and like I'm sort of teetering on the edge of falling into the same sort of state I was in, in may.

Looking back on things that aren't so important to me now though, I think that I've kind of changed in terms of what inspires me, I used to check style.com religiously every day after school and during break, during fashion week I'd take days off school and watch shows live in my bedroom under my duvet and I'd cover my walls with cut outs from the fashion week editions of ELLE and VOGUE and that just made me so so happy just because it was pure inspiration, taken straight from some creative wonders like McQueen and Galliano and i don't know, I kind of stopped that after I started using my tumblr blog, when i started i was still totally in love with the idea of runway fashion, and now I've just stopped. looking back now, Alexander McQueen, rest in peace, is passed and now, this sounds totally irrational and stupid, but I miss him, even for just four years, his collections were all I really though about come A/W or S/S season, seriously, I'd buy two copies of the magazines so I could keep one in perfect condition and then cut one up for my walls, and it was exactly the same for Galliano for Dior, I just had such a passion for it and now it's just gone.

I think I just miss being passionate about something, all I ever get passionate about is writing and I'm sure no one is really interested in this, I know I'm no good but I just love it and it's kind of heart breaking that I'm not good at the one thing I totally love.

I've just changed, in more ways that one I guess, two people who were major parts of my life have now gone, that's the most painful part I think, is that they can't come back, and that changed me I suppose, like I'm not hardened to it or anything, but I've gotten used to having heart ache all the time and I'm used to my head being full of messy, painful thoughts and now being sad inspires me so much more than being happy which I don't think is a good thing but I just hope that sometime this year or maybe in the next I'll find something that makes me passionate and hopefully I'll be good at it and then I might be happier.

1949

I have an independent capability of being extremely angry and pessimistic and dark and twisty a lot of the time, normally it's just directed at the 'world' in general, but mostly at myself. I hate the way i am most of the time and my head is full of thought and most of it is irrepressibly painful and horrible and what has happened this year has seemed so rushed and it feels like it should still be after May because everything that has panned out since then has been so empty and nothing-y. Days seem to be fading into one another now and it's painful thinking about what I'm missing and what I should be doing but I feel so empty and I can't seem to muster the energy to help myself. I think I'm quite resentful towards some people after what happened this year, there are probably two or three people that I can really talk to about it, with them understanding, and I have done, but they don't live near or we don't talk as much as we used to and that's kind of awful because that means I'm stuck inside my own head for weeks on end and then I get bitter because 'no one understands me' or whatever this is but it's just I'm so sad still and I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

This year though, this will be different, there will be nothing as awful or horrific and I will work harder in school and I won't be as twisty and dark and awful and I'll stop lying to myself and I'll try and fall in love with someone who could be considered more 'realistic' than Matthew Crawley, or maybe I won't fall in love and I'll be fine with that too, there seems to be a certain air of uncertainty about this year though. Maybe, mainly because everyone seems to be a bit on edge because there seems to be a million different theories saying how we're all going to fall into the bottomless abyss and be sentenced to eternal hell-fire. I will start this year however, by reading The Colour Purple and then watching Wuthering Heights and tomorrow I will use the rest of my Polaroid film I got and then I will maybe feel better.

May I say first of all, Merry Christmas!

I'm watching Heathers and crying and I've been contemplating this year and I think it's gotten worse ever since May for obvious reasons but I'd like to think next year will be better and without so much heartache and I'll make good life decisions. I'd like to be happier this year, that's kind of it. 

too much time spent on thoughts

Thinking about it, I'm only ever truly, utterly happy when I'm with people, most of the time, living in the country, the closest I normally am from my 'happy people' is about ten miles by car. So most of the time I'm in the middle of nowhere on my own. Mostly I'm quiet. I read a lot more now. I go for walks, I use my bike a lot. I think I've spent about 70% of my life's money on bus and train tickets to escape where I live and most nights I end up sitting on the roof of my house with my cat, a blanket and a cup of cold tea, looking down to hill into the countryside. I would make a long post about the 'perks' of living in a village, but thus far I can't see any. The things I do to combat the isolation is to just immerse myself in 'other-worldly' characters. There are women that I just wish I could be like, granted, the majority of them are fictional, but I feel a need to be inspired and to break the boredom that comes with living here. There are characters like Blair Waldorf, or Cecilia Lisbon, or Margot Tenenbaum that are just so perfect that you want to embody everything about them, and their inevitable flaws are the things you hold dearest to yourself, you can identify, I feel anyway, with a character to a greater extent if you have some sort of grasp on what really makes their identity. But mainly, and this is only in the past half a year or so, it's characters and people that you can just aspire to be like, and this is greatest when being like them seems ever so slightly more realistic, and the product of that would make you the happiest you could be. To have the passion that Catherine Earnshaw possesses would make me so intolerably happy, I would probably drive myself to death in just the same way as she did, I think it would be wonderful to feel that sort of passion for a person or a feeling, to having it consume your mind to the point it drives you to total distraction. I think I aspire more to be a tortured literary heroine than anything else, this may prove a problem if I ever have to start making serious and proper decisions about what I want to do if I can ever leave this village.

I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me

I think it might be time to grow up. This is going to take a lot of trying, I need to become more intelligent, more eloquent, better spoken, listen to more music, read more books, watch more interesting films, all while still being able to carry on in school without any more accidental minor nervous breakdowns after and during Maths and English classes.
Maybe this will be my ~New Years Resolution~ and that might mean by mid-February I will have a better grasp on my life.
I don't know if this means I can't stay up until three am watching Twin Peaks and aspiring to be like my heroines [Audrey Horne, Blair Waldorf etc.] nut I'm sure it means I can't spend hours of my life doing nothing at all apart from dreaming, I must do improving things, and have improving thoughts and have great discussions with insightful, intelligent people that know lots of things. I also, mustn't be scared at the prospect of sadness, although it is terrifying, I must be prepared to face it, along with the idea of failure. 7
I don't really know what this idea is, I think mainly, it's to stop me from messing around and get stuff done, I think I might just need Tina Fey as my life coach and then I'd be fine.
But this year will be one of change, not that I'm saying 2011 hasn't changed my drastically, it has. However, I need to change myself now as a consequence of what has happened, to better my mind, and hopefully, to help me achieve what I want, which is being able to express my ideas without having to pause for thought (this will take a lot of learning new words to cope with).

~pretty music~

So, this [and by this I mean that vision of beauty you should see above this] is a acoustic recording of a band named Bastille, and it's good. Really good. I don't really know who to compare them to but they're fronted by a guy called Dan who's also a producer, after a few messages back and forth about his music as well as listening to their tracks on soundcloud on repeat for a few hours, I'd come to the conclusion that they are truly wonderful. They've also gained a bigger following due to their appearance on the Made In Chelsea playlist with the songs Flaws and an instrumental Sleep Song [which I got very excited about. The prospect of a song I hadn't heard, which later just turned out to be a dome and wasn't released with the Laura Palmer EP] played later in Season 2. Anyway, as far as I can tell, Made In Chelsea has been their most promienent exposure to a wider audience but seriously, if you've missed out on them, listen to all three origional songs on their soundcloud.

• Flaws; This song is very electric-y but as soon as the vocal starts it just gets rlly emotive and dreamy and with the harmony in the bridge it's just a really floaty song that [I think anyway] seems really relatable. A good song to mope/cry/walk/do anything to. 
• Laura Palmer; This song was originally influenced by the death of the young girl Laura Palmer [good Twin Peaks themed songs, well done etc] and it's really powerful, a strong heart-beat-like drum beat is repeated throughout and gives it a really passionate feel along with the beautiful vocal. The lyrics are lovely too, just listen too it, I can't imagine you won't love it.
• Icarus; This songs was originally released as the b-side to the Flaws single and this is the song performed in the video above, again a repeated beat throughout, this time split, but again another passionate song with lovely emotive lyrics and again a beautiful bridge. 
• I think in all these songs there's just such a nice marriage of beautiful lyrics with Dan's voice which is then juxtaposed with the rough rhythms throughout the songs and I feel they just all go together beautifully. 

So yeah, in conclusion, listening to them will make your life better; start by listening to the three track I've spoken about, then if you like them, on the links on their soundcloud there is a link to their webpage, inviting you to join their mailing list and as a result giving you a free download of a new song. If by this time you're a fan, buy their EP, it's in iTunes now, do it. I promise you you'll love it if you like the other songs.

Let's Go

Okay, well, this being a first post I feel a small duty to introduce myself, so as to give this page more of an identity. If you've read the paragraph to the side you will have already gauged some sort of insight in to me but here are a few things I didn't write there.

• I live in the South-East of England, in possibly the most obscure village in this modern world but it is close to where I took the picture above, so the natural beauty balances out the idea that I'm nowhere near anything.
• This consequently means I spend most of my money on rain tickets as a form of escape.
• The money I don't spend on train tickets normally either goes on magazines that I haven't yet subscribed to [eg. i-D, Lula, Dazed & Confused] or pretty clothes I've found on Etsy.
• I'm 16 years of age, it's funny because soon I'll be 17 and that's normally deemed as 'almost adult' and I'm not sure I feel ready for that. 
• I'm in Lower Sixth Form at my school studying my AS Levels, I'm studying English Literature, History, Maths and Spanish. 
• I make a wish to live in New York every day.
• I'm sad a lot of the time and this means I spend most evenings wrapped up in big jumpers, drinking copious amounts of tea and watching Never Let Me go and my Sofia Coppola film collection. 
• I have found a good cure to sadness to be, buying assorted pieces of clothing that are either velvet or are those ugly/pretty Christmas jumpers. Another cure is putting on a fairy type dress and twirling around my room in it, with my skylight open so I can see the moon, and listening to Belle & Sebastian.

I feel this is quite enough for now, hopefully posting on here might become a regular thing and hopefully it will be a good outlet and won't be as wasteful as writing all over the margins of my favourite books.